The Arda Times: An Editors Story
by The Battling Bard
Summary: A Gondorian newspaper editor regrets his employment of Middle-earth's biggest gossips. This is a satirical piece, and a comment on the lunacy of modern media.
1. The Arda Times

It had seemed like such a good idea at the time. A weekly publication keeping the good people of Gondor informed about the goings on in the wider world and their own city. I had written the first edition myself, it had been a fascination account of economic and cultural changes, political upheavals... I was well aware that the common man was ill informed regarding these matters.

But the work soon got on top of me, and I was forced to take on staff. In retrospect, it may have been a bad idea that I had employed the two most renowned gossips this side of the Anduin. Too late had it been to retract and re-write the paper, so I had satisfied myself with making a few edits.

Pouring myself a drink, I slumped over the second edition of 'The Arda Times'; my dream lay in tatters before me. I would be a laughing stock of the city. Caressing the thick parchment bound with leather, I opened my dream, and began to read...

**

* * *

**

**THE ARDA TIMES**

REAL NEWS FOR REAL PEOPLE

**IS ELLESAR AND ARWEN'S  
MARRIAGE IN TROUBLE?**

Probably not. We don't know and we've got  
No evidence, but let's ask the question anyway  
And fill up lot's of space.

**Tomorrow...**

Is Eomer's marriage in trouble?

* * *

**LEGOLAS GREENLEAF GREATEST  
WARRIOR EVER**

Legolas Greenleaf's incredible achievement in  
winning the War of The Ring (he fought two battles.  
Ed.) at the tender age of (approx) 2000 means he is  
unquestionably Arda's greatest warrior ever (he fought  
two battles. Ed.), one who is now odds on to win every  
war in this age, and every age to come (he only fought  
two battles. Ed.), which means he is in fact the greatest  
warrior of all time (you're fired. Ed)

* * *

**Book Of The Week**  
**  
THRANDUIL: PORTRAIT OF A PSYCHOPATH **

Stunningly accurate bio-fic portraying Thranduil as he really was- a twisted malevolent wife beater who may well have been the love child of Morgorth and Ungoliant. Author mrslegolaselfluveroflorien34803486 gives an uncanny portrayal of an unpleasant and wisdom challenged tyrant, whose only desire was to murder his diminutive son, the abused paraplegic, Legolas Greenleaf. We trace Thranduil's life from his early days in Doriath, where he engaged in the popular sport of Hildi Hunting. From there it was all downhill as he drank, took drugs and had affairs with various mortal women until his death at the hands of a red haired half-elven assassin from Gondor. He never produced another law. (That's enough. Ed.)

* * *

**AREN'T WE MARVELLOUS!**

The great news coming from the admittedly sad Pelennor Fields disaster is that The Arda Times Pelennor Fields Appeal is a huge success.

Loads of ordinary Arda Times readers are giving money to our Arda Times Appeal (rather than just giving to the families direct) and, even better, lots of celebrities are very generously allowing us to put their names on the front page of The Arda Times in return for a donation. So, hats off to ourselves for our amazing self-promotion (surely selflessness? Ed.)

* * *

**Is Gandalf A Paedo?**

**The Six Tell-Tale Signs**

1) Is Always talking about a 'magic ring'

2) Has a young 'travelling companion'

3) Is always lurking in the Shire, home of the ever childlike hobbits

4) Has a beard

5) It's obvious isn't it?….

6)….Lets get the weirdo!


	2. The Feanorian Today

**THE FEANORIAN TODAY**

Boldly Going Where No Paper Has Gone Before

* * *

Elu Thingol Sinks to New Low With Personal Attacks on Celegorm the Cruel

On Other Pages o Elu Thingols sweat revealed to be more poisonous than a Thangorodrim toad 18 o New picture reveals Melian is uglier than Thuringwethil 23 o Beleg eats orphans baked in a pie 31

* * *

As a precautionary measure, the following product is being recalled- Turin- as he is found to contain nuts. (Surely not? Ed)

* * *

ME AND MY SPOON

The Feanorian times interviews prolific celebs about their... spoons.

MAGLOR

Bard: Do you have a favourite spoon?

Maglor: _I never feel my spoons are any good. I'm plagued with self doubt about my collection. Are they really worth having? Or are people just being kind when they like my spoons. I don't know._

Bard: I gather your father was keen on spoons?

Maglor: _I was always a bit in awe of my fathers spoons and I felt I could never live up to his example as a great spoon elf. He was my hero spoon-wise._

Bard: You're a great hero among the humans now. What are the spoons like among these people?

Maglor: _It's been a bizarre experience for me. I never expected to be using human spoons and I keep thinking people are going to see through me and say, 'You're a fraud. Stick to your elven spoons buddy.' But everyone's been very kind and I'm committed to human spoons for the next century or so._

Bard: Has anything amusing ever happened to you in connection with a spoon?

Maglor: _You should really ask my brother Maedhros that question. He would come up with a hilarious spoon anecdote because he is a genius and can do everything. Fight, craft, tell spoon stories. I'm just a singer. Er... do you mind if we leave it there, I'm feeling rather depressed now. Thank-you._

TURIN

Bard : As one of the most distinguished humans of the First age, you have never before consented to give an interview. I am therefore very privileged that you have granted me this unprecedented opportunity to question you about spoons. May I first ask you, as someone who has lived among some of Arda's best known figures, such as Orodreth and Thingol, has the theme of spoons ever become a significant aspect in your life?

Turin: ...

Bard: I take it from your silence that you are not prepared to discuss this point... Could I put it another way then? You are quite eager to travel abroad and fight the forces of Angband, whereas another mortal, say, Tuor, has no inhibition in staying at home, holding cups of tea with spoons in them. Did you consider this type of life too banal?

Turin: ...

Bard: OK can I put it another way? Now that you are counted among the sons of the Valar and know your wife is actually your sister, are you still doing her?

I was going to ask you if anything amusing had ever happened to you in connection with a spoon, but now that you've left the room that seems rather pointless

DAERON:

Bard: People have said all your spoons are the same. Is that fair?

Daeron: _Well, I do like a certain type of spoon, I'm not going to apologise for that._

Bard: But they are very traditional, very elitist, very elvish spoons, aren't they?

Daeron: _Yes, but I really think everyone can relate to those sort of spoons. You don't have to be self-pitying human spoons, you know_.

Bard: Do you think people will get bored with your type of feel-good spoon?

Daeron: _Well, with all the fear in the world, why shouldn't we celebrate the virtues of the good old elvish spoon? For all its failings, it's a pretty decent sort of spoon._

Bard: In your latest song, you've cleverly interwoven a number of different tales, but none of them involve a spoon. Why is that?

Daeron: _Well, originally there was a verse about the dish running away with the spoon. They were in love, but it didn't work out. She was mithril, he was wood, and he had commitment problems, but they were reunited at Yuletide after the spoon made a mad dash across Doriath to the stables accompanied by a choir of elflings singing "All you need is spoons."_

Bard: That sounds great. Why didn't it make the final score?

Daeron: _In the end it was just too dark a tale for romance._


End file.
